Friday, July 06, 2007
Quite a long one but very interesting.....take ur time to read
painful...but so very true!!!
The Malay Marriage Mess
3 Main Reasons Why Malay Couples Are Doomed From the Start
In my first year of secondary school, a teacher made a very racist comment
that I will never forget. Stepping into class one morning, he asked:
“Boys, do you know what's the difference between a Chinese lady, an Indian
lady and a Malay lady?”
The whole class looked at each other, puzzled beyond comprehension. What
has this got to do with Geography? The teacher looked around for a minute
or two, anticipating a glimpse of anyone who might put up his hand. But
none did so he went on,
“Well boys, listen carefully. A Chinese lady, will not care if her man is
handsome or does not have a good character. As long as he has money.
An Indian lady, will not care if her man is handsome or has no money. As
long as he has good character.
A Malay lady, will not care if her man has no money or character. As long
as he is handsome.”
In Victoria, the Malay student population then was comparatively small,
especially so in my class. All four of us Malay boys looked at each other
nervously after that short remark, shrugged it off and just got back to
work. We didn't bother to protest because the teacher's known to skilfully
repel any opposition to his words. He's after all, a grand old man of 65 at
that time.
The teacher has since passed on. But his words linger in my mind to this
very day. Not because they were extremely racist, but because till now I
still wonder if there just might be some element of truth to what he said
13 years ago.
Could my teacher's short parable be the answer as to why so many of our
Malay marriages are doomed right from the start? Well, I wouldn't know. I
may be Malay but I'm no woman. Only they have the answer to that.
What I do know is that the Malay matrimonial scene is in a wreck.
Percentage wise, we have the highest divorce rate here in Singapore – yet
another notorious title. If you have four Malay wedding invitations on any
given Sunday, you can be sure that one of them will end in a divorce. It is
that bad.
So what is it that Malay couples are doing wrong that other races are
getting right? Is it because of the lack of religion knowledge, like so
many of these 'Ustazs' are claiming? If the answer lies in appreciating
Islam, why then are non-Muslim couples fairing better than us?
The answer is more universal and less cryptic. Malay Marriage Mess is
happening due to these 3 main reasons.
Standards Set By Malay Women
I will most probably come under heavy fire for this, but I will say it
anyway. One of the reasons why our marriages fail is that most Malay women
fall in love way too easily.
Although I would disagree with my late teacher about the
“as-long-as-he's-handsome” part, I do admit that most Malay women will
develop a liking for a guy as long as she finds him “nice”.
The process in which a Malay woman falls in love is noticeably less
complicated than that of other races and is due mainly to our culture.
Malays are generally brought up and trained to never look at a person's
wealth or status as a measure of a man. We have been told since young that
this is wrong and that a person should only be judged by how polite,
religious and respectful he is towards his folks. That, according to our
elders, is the key to happiness.
The cultural stigma remains till this very day. When a Malay girl brings
home a guy to meet her parents, little is asked of his financial position
and education. The focus will be on how religious or polite he is. It does
not matter very much if the guy has been an academic failure all his life
or does not hold a very stable career. As long as he is “nice”.
This criteria would have been fine for choosing a wife. But the fact is, a
husband – leader and main breadwinner, has to be chosen with a more
stringent criteria other than just being religious or “nice”. Too many
families have collapsed because of economically dysfunctional husbands
whose salaries cannot keep up with the changing times. Being “nice” will
not pay the bills nor tuition for the kids 15 years down the road.
Be like the weaver bird. The reason why male weaver birds are such strong
agile creatures is because the females of the species demand a lot from the
males. Before a female would agree to mate, she will demand to look at the
nest which he has built. If the nest is not up to her standard, she would
simply fly off in search of another mating partner. As a result male weaver
birds evolve strongly and are one of the most revered birds in the animal
kingdom.
Similarly, Malay women must collectively set a much higher standard for
their men. For when they do, the heat will be upon us to improve
economically and socially. As a result, the entire community improves. It
just takes that change of mindset.
But for now, plenty of Malay men are still slacking and taking their future
very lightly. Why bother? They know they will be able to find a wife one
day anyway. All you need to be is just “nice”.
Short Courting Period
The issue of Malays marrying early is not an alien one. It has received
special mention by a very concerned Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew quite some
time back. The concept is actually very simple – young couples are simply
not equipped to handle a family. Everyone understands that.
But I would like to zoom in on the definition of “marrying early” from
another perspective – courting period.
Malay couples generally make the decision to get married very early on into
the relationship. Usually within a year of knowing each other, a commitment
would have been made to start a family. I personally know of a friend whose
gotten married to a man she's known for only eight months! Needless to say,
that marriage is now on the rocks. I pray that they ride out the storm.
Once again, it's a cultural phenomenon. Malay elders frown on long courting
periods and marriage is usually pressured upon once a man and woman is
known to like each other. The derogatory term that they use for couples
that have been long together without marrying is “pengantin basi” (stale
newly-weds). Having a “pengantin basi” in the family is considered to be a
social embarrassment and should be avoided.
I am a strong believer in the concept that a person's true colours can only
be seen either after 12 months or after a major quarrel – whichever comes
earlier. Before this period, not everything you see is what you will get as
initial pretences will take a while to dismantle. There will probably never
be any hard data to conclude this theory. But then again, life's most
complicated concepts are usually built on none.
Malay couples must extend their courting time longer and get to know each
other better before making that big decision. This is essential to avoiding
any bad surprises long after the wedding drums have fell silence. After
all, “differences in personality” is cited as the number one reason why
Malay couples divorce. Perhaps they should have just waited that 12 months.
Financial Delinquency
I am not sure where it comes from, but it seems that more Malay women today
are demanding that their men be driving cars.
Has it not occurred to them that everybody can drive a car today? It's just
a matter of whether you want to or not ever since the $0 down payment rule
was implemented. Any chap who can make the monthly payments will have the
“luxury” of a vehicle in his hands – even someone who earns $800 a month
sweeping the roads.
A car does not equate to being successful anymore. It just means that you
are having a hefty debt . Unfortunately a lack of financial intelligence in
the Malay community has given rise to misconceptions such as these. Middle
class symbols such as cars, cards and fancy electronic goods are now a
must-have to show people that you “have arrived”. Most cannot wait to pay
for it in cash, taking huge loans in the process.
Needless to say, this financial attitude has given rise to a host of social
problems within the Malay community. According to a recent statistic from
MUIS, applicants for “zakat” (alms given by the public) this year has risen
dramatically – most of them coming from young males in their twenties. How
are males like these supposed to raise happy and contented families?
The matter of fact is simple. You marry someone who is financially
delinquent, you will bear the consequences. You insist on a man who drives,
you build a family saddled with debt right from the start. Remember well
that “money problems” has been cited as the second leading cause of divorce
amongst Malays. The awareness of financial delinquency is essential to
keeping our Malay families happy.
I am glad to say that all my university friends, despite commanding the
salaries that they have, are still sticking to public transport or using
car sharing services like those offered by NTUC when a vehicle is needed.
It is better to be flush with cash rather than one who drives but counts
every penny like a pauper. Perhaps this is the attitude that we need to
emulate. Else it could just make us another digit in the divorce
statistics.
e-mail from Marlia
painful...but so very true!!!
The Malay Marriage Mess
3 Main Reasons Why Malay Couples Are Doomed From the Start
In my first year of secondary school, a teacher made a very racist comment
that I will never forget. Stepping into class one morning, he asked:
“Boys, do you know what's the difference between a Chinese lady, an Indian
lady and a Malay lady?”
The whole class looked at each other, puzzled beyond comprehension. What
has this got to do with Geography? The teacher looked around for a minute
or two, anticipating a glimpse of anyone who might put up his hand. But
none did so he went on,
“Well boys, listen carefully. A Chinese lady, will not care if her man is
handsome or does not have a good character. As long as he has money.
An Indian lady, will not care if her man is handsome or has no money. As
long as he has good character.
A Malay lady, will not care if her man has no money or character. As long
as he is handsome.”
In Victoria, the Malay student population then was comparatively small,
especially so in my class. All four of us Malay boys looked at each other
nervously after that short remark, shrugged it off and just got back to
work. We didn't bother to protest because the teacher's known to skilfully
repel any opposition to his words. He's after all, a grand old man of 65 at
that time.
The teacher has since passed on. But his words linger in my mind to this
very day. Not because they were extremely racist, but because till now I
still wonder if there just might be some element of truth to what he said
13 years ago.
Could my teacher's short parable be the answer as to why so many of our
Malay marriages are doomed right from the start? Well, I wouldn't know. I
may be Malay but I'm no woman. Only they have the answer to that.
What I do know is that the Malay matrimonial scene is in a wreck.
Percentage wise, we have the highest divorce rate here in Singapore – yet
another notorious title. If you have four Malay wedding invitations on any
given Sunday, you can be sure that one of them will end in a divorce. It is
that bad.
So what is it that Malay couples are doing wrong that other races are
getting right? Is it because of the lack of religion knowledge, like so
many of these 'Ustazs' are claiming? If the answer lies in appreciating
Islam, why then are non-Muslim couples fairing better than us?
The answer is more universal and less cryptic. Malay Marriage Mess is
happening due to these 3 main reasons.
Standards Set By Malay Women
I will most probably come under heavy fire for this, but I will say it
anyway. One of the reasons why our marriages fail is that most Malay women
fall in love way too easily.
Although I would disagree with my late teacher about the
“as-long-as-he's-handsome” part, I do admit that most Malay women will
develop a liking for a guy as long as she finds him “nice”.
The process in which a Malay woman falls in love is noticeably less
complicated than that of other races and is due mainly to our culture.
Malays are generally brought up and trained to never look at a person's
wealth or status as a measure of a man. We have been told since young that
this is wrong and that a person should only be judged by how polite,
religious and respectful he is towards his folks. That, according to our
elders, is the key to happiness.
The cultural stigma remains till this very day. When a Malay girl brings
home a guy to meet her parents, little is asked of his financial position
and education. The focus will be on how religious or polite he is. It does
not matter very much if the guy has been an academic failure all his life
or does not hold a very stable career. As long as he is “nice”.
This criteria would have been fine for choosing a wife. But the fact is, a
husband – leader and main breadwinner, has to be chosen with a more
stringent criteria other than just being religious or “nice”. Too many
families have collapsed because of economically dysfunctional husbands
whose salaries cannot keep up with the changing times. Being “nice” will
not pay the bills nor tuition for the kids 15 years down the road.
Be like the weaver bird. The reason why male weaver birds are such strong
agile creatures is because the females of the species demand a lot from the
males. Before a female would agree to mate, she will demand to look at the
nest which he has built. If the nest is not up to her standard, she would
simply fly off in search of another mating partner. As a result male weaver
birds evolve strongly and are one of the most revered birds in the animal
kingdom.
Similarly, Malay women must collectively set a much higher standard for
their men. For when they do, the heat will be upon us to improve
economically and socially. As a result, the entire community improves. It
just takes that change of mindset.
But for now, plenty of Malay men are still slacking and taking their future
very lightly. Why bother? They know they will be able to find a wife one
day anyway. All you need to be is just “nice”.
Short Courting Period
The issue of Malays marrying early is not an alien one. It has received
special mention by a very concerned Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew quite some
time back. The concept is actually very simple – young couples are simply
not equipped to handle a family. Everyone understands that.
But I would like to zoom in on the definition of “marrying early” from
another perspective – courting period.
Malay couples generally make the decision to get married very early on into
the relationship. Usually within a year of knowing each other, a commitment
would have been made to start a family. I personally know of a friend whose
gotten married to a man she's known for only eight months! Needless to say,
that marriage is now on the rocks. I pray that they ride out the storm.
Once again, it's a cultural phenomenon. Malay elders frown on long courting
periods and marriage is usually pressured upon once a man and woman is
known to like each other. The derogatory term that they use for couples
that have been long together without marrying is “pengantin basi” (stale
newly-weds). Having a “pengantin basi” in the family is considered to be a
social embarrassment and should be avoided.
I am a strong believer in the concept that a person's true colours can only
be seen either after 12 months or after a major quarrel – whichever comes
earlier. Before this period, not everything you see is what you will get as
initial pretences will take a while to dismantle. There will probably never
be any hard data to conclude this theory. But then again, life's most
complicated concepts are usually built on none.
Malay couples must extend their courting time longer and get to know each
other better before making that big decision. This is essential to avoiding
any bad surprises long after the wedding drums have fell silence. After
all, “differences in personality” is cited as the number one reason why
Malay couples divorce. Perhaps they should have just waited that 12 months.
Financial Delinquency
I am not sure where it comes from, but it seems that more Malay women today
are demanding that their men be driving cars.
Has it not occurred to them that everybody can drive a car today? It's just
a matter of whether you want to or not ever since the $0 down payment rule
was implemented. Any chap who can make the monthly payments will have the
“luxury” of a vehicle in his hands – even someone who earns $800 a month
sweeping the roads.
A car does not equate to being successful anymore. It just means that you
are having a hefty debt . Unfortunately a lack of financial intelligence in
the Malay community has given rise to misconceptions such as these. Middle
class symbols such as cars, cards and fancy electronic goods are now a
must-have to show people that you “have arrived”. Most cannot wait to pay
for it in cash, taking huge loans in the process.
Needless to say, this financial attitude has given rise to a host of social
problems within the Malay community. According to a recent statistic from
MUIS, applicants for “zakat” (alms given by the public) this year has risen
dramatically – most of them coming from young males in their twenties. How
are males like these supposed to raise happy and contented families?
The matter of fact is simple. You marry someone who is financially
delinquent, you will bear the consequences. You insist on a man who drives,
you build a family saddled with debt right from the start. Remember well
that “money problems” has been cited as the second leading cause of divorce
amongst Malays. The awareness of financial delinquency is essential to
keeping our Malay families happy.
I am glad to say that all my university friends, despite commanding the
salaries that they have, are still sticking to public transport or using
car sharing services like those offered by NTUC when a vehicle is needed.
It is better to be flush with cash rather than one who drives but counts
every penny like a pauper. Perhaps this is the attitude that we need to
emulate. Else it could just make us another digit in the divorce
statistics.
e-mail from Marlia
what we could have been, 10:38 PM.
